acquaintedwithrask

thedarklordsnicklefritz:

acquaintedwithrask:

I went to an SCA event yesterday (basically like going to a Renaissance Festival on steroids) and got schwasted last night while there (super fun), and though I managed to wake up and drive home this morning just fine my head is still foggy…

and then she came home to find me in a bedroom that basically looked like a murder scene thanks to the food poisoning I had last night

Today I went to a conference that reminded me that God loved his LGQBTA+children.

hey so I don’t know why many of you are following me since this blog has becoming nothing more than the place where I vent my desperation and anxiety

anyway

something people who know me gotta know about me is that I grew up with a very specific conditioning—and this isn’t just childhood.  It’s stretched into adulthood and I expect it to continue.

I will always fuck something up, and people will always get sick of me.  I don’t do it on purpose—in fact I do absolutely everything I can to KEEP it from happening, but it always does.  Eventually there will be that moment when a person or group of people who have been putting up with me finally snaps and tells me what they really think, and the basic assumption is that’s what *everybody* thinks

so when it happens, it’s nearly impossible to drag myself out of it.  I’m so humiliated I can’t even look anyone in the face

so—

yeah. 

like I said last night, I promised my mom that I wouldn’t kill myself, and I keep my promises.  but I frankly really, really hate myself, and I am terrified of myself.